Dancing Decision Dilemma

For all my efforts of implementing the tools proffered by The Upward Spiral book-for all my talk of ‘Just Do It’- I found  myself stuck in decision making dilema this morning. Really stuck. Couldn’t decide. Couldn’t move

Theres a dance freestyle happening today, I was reminded of this last Friday. I noted it but brushed thoughts of going under the rug. Sunday’s are S’ day off; an opportunity to do something with children

Except this morning I woke and found the thought of possibly going at the fore-front of my mind. What followed was about 3 hours of my mind whirring away- “Should I stay or should I go?”-but also an intense feeling of being stuck; frozen in place by indecision

I was weighing up the pros and cons of both scenarios and not getting anywhere. Both had pros, both had cons. At one stage I resigned myself to not going, but it didn’t sit comfortably. It felt like a hot itch under the skin.  I still had these thoughts nagging at me. I tried to brush them away, they just nagged me louder

I began to feel quietly panicked; I was failing in my new philosophy. Note that use of language; I was failing the philosophy not the philosophy was failing me…

I tried to think clearly. It was hard.

I tried to break down the decision into smaller tasks but it didn’t apply in this case. The issue wasn’t the size of the task at hand but if I should act upon it

What did I want? What did I want? I didn’t know

And then, after some time of this, it hit me

The very fact that I was in this dilema  was indicitive that I wanted to go

And then as soon as I realised this everything cleared and clicked into place

I did want to go

My reasons for staying were not for a desire to stay but for concern over the repercussions and how my going would affect S and the others.  They’d be disappointed, I’ll feel guilty, I should spend this time with them, they’ll be resentful etc etc

I told S about my morning of quiet turmoil and the conclusion I had come to. I wanted to go. But then I found myself automatically justifying my decision.

You know I don’t think I’m selfish in this way. I don’t go out every weekend, or even every week sometimes, I…”

He interrupted

Why would going out every weekend or even every night make you selfish?”

That flummoxed me

Well, it…wouldn’t…necessarily…”

”You see”

I continued to ramble on with different justifications of my decision

Stop justifying yourself!!”

*silence*

You don’t need to justify your decision, not to me and not to yourself!”

He was right

And once I’d made that decision, that I was going, I felt so much better.  Shower, make up and getting ready I felt lighter, freed, like an individual, purposeful and more human

I was going

And it was not only ok but totally great

 

Much Love 

Kirsty