Depressions Comforting Mud Bath
I’ve spent most of the last few weeks at home, feeling ’blergh’. I’ve been bobbing up and down in a depression sea since half term (sometimes head above the water sometimes not) when it hit me really quite hard. I’ve scraped myself together sufficiently enough to have been out once during that time. Now I need to do the same again this weekend (don’t get me wrong. I’ve been looking forward to this for weeks and weeks and will be gutted should I miss it, which I don’t intend to. I want to be there, but depression doesn’t care what I or anybody else wants).
The problem with depression is that it can become quite comfortable. You can sink into its sludge, like sinking into a mud bath except less good for you, and you become accustomed to it but you don’t really like it, you still feel kind of gross, but the effort of climbing out of that mud bath and washing all the sludge off seems like an epic mission so you sit in it “just a little longer”.
You stop caring so much. “Yes I know I’m gross and I wish I wasn’t but oh well that’s just how things are”
It’s depressions self-preservation technique. Whispering to you that it’s easier not to care, not to fight, not bother, what’s the point? You’re so damn tired…Here, why not wrap yourself up in this blanket? It’s almost seductive. And it ensures depressions survival because it stops you from even trying to fight it, stops you from wanting to, stops you from caring.
Sometimes depression stops us from resisting because we’re so terribly terribly drained. But we still care. Other times it stops is by pushing us gently into this bath of mud. Sinking. Slowly. Yes it’s still yuck but isn’t it warm?
Both are hard to pull yourself up from; though feeling ‘comfortable’ doesn’t feel as crippling in the moment it’s hard to push out of its seductive grasp.
As it is, I’ve been gearing myself up for this weekend for awhile. And whilst Depression is by and large a condition the individual has limited control over sometimes we’re lucky and our little techniques and mechanism succeed in helping us. I’ve been putting off certain things all week (self maintenance. If I don’t do them I simply won’t go. See my post about debilitating self-image perception ). But today is the very last opportunity and whilst depressions slippery tentacles still seek to keep me submerged in ooze, I am lucky today in that I feel I have strength enough to push past it and do what needs to be done
Time to shower off and grab a towel
Its time to get out now