Feather

“You float like a feather….” – Creep, Radiohead

S was always fond of quoting this at me but lately it’s more and more often, with more and more meaning and less and less affection, more and more irritation!

And he’s right

I feel floaty, like I’m drifting through life.

A feather caught on the breeze

Im disengaged again. Not present. Not in the now. I’m either in the past or in the future or in a book or in a film or some other outlet for escapism. In my coffee. In a bar. On the dance floor-my mind is there even when my body isn’t! Though I did zone out once or twice on the floor last week.

Guilt

Concentrating is currently hard. Writing hasn’t been coming as naturally. Books are harder to focus on. Everything is.

I’m flitting

And I feel like I want to accomplish a hundred things at once RIGHT NOW and feeling frustrated, stuck and trapped when I inevitably can’t.  My brain-during the day especially- is always thinking about the next thing. The next book, the next dance, the next event, the next social, all the things I want to do (and do them NOW) It’s like my mind is trying to run away, to escape. My mind is everywhere but in the now.

I do feel like a I want to escape.

I do feel trapped

I want SPACE and freedom and clarity

I want six weeks or so just living by myself, to focus on healing and finding myself

Which parent ever has six weeks to themselves? I was lucky to have dance weekend

The focus I’ve put in my mental health these last six months or so-all the writing, reading and reflecting-has caused me to see connections and links I hadn’t fully realised previously. It’s caused me to reasses and evaluate certain aspects of my life. The choices I’ve made during the last ten years. The choices I make now. If I were given the same choices now I think I might choose differently. The tangled web that is our mental health and the tangled web that is life

The more I see how this is connected to my mental health that the more I fear both might be too tangled to ever unravel, not without causing further mess

It was after all, my choices that led me to a situation in which I experienced trauma. I could have always have chosen otherwise and somebody wiser than I was at the time most probably would have

To my defence I was 21

Im a little bit unsettled of late by the occasional urge that I just want to stop-a bit how I felt in that vivid dream I had a while ago-so I don’t create even more mess. This worries me, as I feel it may potentially be the gateway thought into a very very dark place that I’ve always been lucky enough to never visit even briefly

Still for now that’s as far as it goes. I can’t escape so I just want to stop. If I stop, if I don’t move, I can’t create even more of a mess for myself or for others than I already have done previously. I can’t make a wrong decision. Goodness knows I’ve made far too many of those already

So this is where my mind has been drifting lately. Where ever the wind blows  it, really. Even the memory of the objective events that lead to my trauma feel fuzzy and vague atm. Which may sound healthy but I suspect it’s more of my mind trying to escape from things again.

Speaking of healthy, I did a healthy thing today. I permanently deleted much of the digital version of my Armoury of Knowledge. Emails and screenshots ect. All gone. It was done without external prompting. And I feel perfectly fine about it. I don’t just don’t need them anymore.

This post drifts, doesn’t it? It flits from one small topic to the other. Well, at least that’s reflective of my current mindset

It will pass as everything does and I’ll feel at least a bit more grounded soon enough I’m sure. As much as I ever do. I’m never fully engaged. Or rather, not at home anyway. Home is where the most tangible reminders of my trauma reside.  Still there’s a level of “normal for me” I’m not currently meeting.

Buffeted about by the wind; wonder where this feather will land?

Much Love 

Kirsty