My emotional state continues to be “Up” or in the very least steady.
I continue to read my way through book after book (Eldest: “Why do you have so many therapy books all of a sudden?”) almost frenziedly and although some I disagree with and some have made me outright mad because I think what they’re pitching is misleading and inaccurate tripe (looking at the “Pollyanna” chapter in Susan Jeffers Feel The Fear and Do It Anyway. More on that later!) they are helping me a lot. Even the ones that made me mad have given me things to take away. Including Feel The Fear.
Ive begun to wonder if I can “read my way” out of this. Books where always and forever my refuge, it makes sense to me now that they might be the first few rungs on the ladder out of this dark well.
Books by themselves will never be enough of course. Not for me and not for anyone. They help, they don’t cure. I still require back-up. I’m still interested in EMDR, to help distance the emotion from the events that took place(must make that phone call!). I’m currently seeking counselling and continue with the therapist I’m currently seeing – Trusted greatly because she helped me so much before.
But knowledge has given me understanding and understanding has lead to empowerment. It’s kind of like Star Wars in reverse ( “Fear leads to anger…anger leads to hate…hate leads to suffering” – Yoda )
So mood has been on the up, which is great
What I’ve been struggling a little with lately has been the physical.
Self Care 101 – Address the physical
Noise sensitivity, suspected Hyperacusis and suspected consequence of depression has eased off a little but still present. Picked up the phone to book required tests. Not hanging around for NHS because it will most likely take an age and it’s an all too convenient excuse to put it off.
Hearing discomfort seems to have eased off as the agonising toothache I was experiencing last week has diminished. Concluded it must have aggravated the sensitivity as on the same side
Depression aside, I have always had major anxiety over dental treatments. My dental needs went neglected as a child and subsequently by the time they were addressed in my teens I required much work. Much uncomfortable and painful work which resulted in an extreme reluctance to ever return. Still, as an adult I decided to put on my big girl pants and attend the standard every-six-months check ups.
This worked fine until the dentist went after a perfectly healthy tooth for no good reason; scooping out the inside almost in its entirety and filling it in with zinc. You should see my X Rays, there’s barely any tooth left. It glows with metal) Cue problems with that tooth. Cue me not trusting dentists. Apparently, they receive a kind of commission per treatment.
Present day, I’ve been ignoring ever increasing tooth pain for about 9 months, getting by on ibuprofen and avoiding biting on that tooth. I was half hoping the nerve would just die and the pain would stop (my ability to ignore a problem is quite accomplished!) Last week the pain came after me whith a vengeance. I popped painkillers like never before. The ache became less and less responsive to them and I became more and more deranged by the constant intense pain.
One evening, my cheek burned hot and red, my head was so buzzy and fuzzy I truly couldn’t think. It was stressful. I paced like an angry bear. Couldn’t focus on a single thing, even simple sentences
I picked up the phone.
I’m thrilled to report that this dentist is a complete darling! Very kindly, gentle and sensitive in manner. Honestly I think I fell a little bit in love. Antibiotics. Hooray!!!
And finally, fatigue. Fatigue came for me in the early evening most days the last week meaning I’ve been in bed by 8pm on a few nights. Except I couldn’t sleep. That’s quite unusual for me these days. I was tired, but my head felt strange. Sometimes my thoughts just buzzed and I couldn’t calm my mind (must look more seriously into yoga/meditation if only to develop ability to calm thoughts at night)
The pain of course only contributed to tiredness. Problem is now that the antibiotics, for which I am extremely grateful for taking away the infection and subsequent pain, induces fatigue each time I take one.
I have noticed my self- esteem get a little boost every time I’ve addressed an issue. I feel more capable in myself. I have become very very dependent on S over the years. I realised recently just how much Ive diminished my sense of self by all too readily allowing that to happen. Because it was convenient. Because it eased my mental load. Because I couldn’t always cope. Because it’s nice to feel looked after.
Suddenly, I’m not at all comfortable with it. Ive relinquished a great deal of what sense of capability I had in handing over so much of the reins to him. And whilst I’m not dismissing how fortunate I am nor all the things he does as a result, I’ve realised how much of a weakened position that puts me in.
I noticed years ago, a number of my Mum Friends are extremely capable and independent women. They have their own burdens and struggles as we all do, Much of them quite serious, but non the less they remain very much the captains of their own ships. These Women would thrive and support their families equally well whether or not they were in relationships.
I have always admired these women for this
Ladies, I think you just became my role models