How The Lost Things Drive Me Mad or It’s The Little Things That Matter
There was a time when it was just me and eldest. And we had 99 problems but losing shit wasn’t one of them. Not excessively anyway. And not major things.
These days stuff disappears All.The.Bloody.Time
Usually my stuff but not always.
The family iPad has been missing somewhere in the house for nearly a year.
Ive only just recently unearthed a pair of ripped jeans of mine after 18 months.
Dancing shoes have disappeared for months
The remote control has been missing for 4 days
Just today I couldn’t find the make up bag containing my preferred ‘old reliable’ products I always use. Given my insecurities this kit is vital to me
- My sunglasses
- my regular glasses
The list is endless. And it drives me crazy. It induce stress and feelings of panic, especially if they’re items I consider essential such as my sunglasses which I don’t like to leave the house without (unless nighttime but even then I have been known to wear them at night)
The other morning just as we were about to leave for school, I couldn’t find my sunglasses. These are particularly important in the mornings as I usually lack either the time or energy to do my make up so I use my shades to hide behind. To me they are vital. And as I squeaked to S in a panic over the phone
“I can’t leave the house without them!!!”
They turned up after a short time much to my relief. But the adrenaline rush, increased heart rate, becoming flustered, hot and unable to think clearly takes awhile to come down. So when immediately afterwards I couldn’t locate the bank card the adrenaline and panic was on top of the previous stress which hadnt had the time to sufficiently diminish.
”I know it’s frustrating babes but these things happen…”
”No it’s not frustrating. It’s so much more that just frustrating. It’s literally driving me crazy. It’s sapping my energy. I feel as if my life force is being drained out of me”
It wasn’t an exaggeration. It really did feel that way
Exhaustion hit me to my very bones. All over my body they began to ache terribly. A hot deep ache. Just dull pain and fatigue
S suggested I use cash (I’ve a preference for cards as no awkward fiddling with change). Youngest suggested we walk to school. I let go of my fixation albeit reluctantly. They were right, I didn’t need it immediately. And although I felt exhausted the rest of the day, the pain went mostly and I felt better once out of the house and although tired I functioned ok.
A key point with all this is that it is not a one off. It happens very frequently. To give credit where credit is due I’m fine with one offs. I’m not so completely irrational. It’s when things repeat themselves again and again and again is when I start to lose my shit. Resilience wears thin and there’s not much there to begin with
I find it surprising myself that such little thing can induce such extreme response. Especially the physical response. I’m not sure I would entirely believe it myself had I not experienced it. Aches and pains? Fatigue? Really?
Im no medical professional or psychologist. I’m not here to offer explanations so much as I am here to raise awareness as to what it’s like to have depression. I describe, I don’t explain. There may be some revelations along the way, but my main goal is to help others feel less alone and a little bit explain my weird (and wonderful? No? Hehe) quirks to friends who I was beginning to suspect just thought I was a bit odd. I hate to be misunderstood, with my words or actions.