I Am An Angry Person

I am angry. I am an angry woman. I am an angry person.

I am enraged by the traumtatic events I was subjected to. I am incensed by how people responded to my evident distress at the time. I am furious with the perpetrators and enablers refusal to accept responsibility for the affect their actions have had on my mental health. I am livid that my resulting psychological needs have been dismissed and continue to go dismissed by some.

I am fuming over the hundreds of times I have been taken advantage of and, more to the point, all the times I have allowed people to take advantage because I was too concerned with hurting their feelings or because I was afraid of making a scene (#metoo) or of being perceived as a bitch. I am angry with myself for the times I didn’t call someone out because I was too concerned with being “nice”

I am incandescent with how my eldest was treated by his classmates for four years. I am irate with the school staffs reassurances that all was well when they knew it was not. I am beside myself over the complete lack of support he received for the areas in which he struggled with. I am angry with myself for not realising the extent of this in time

I am greatly vexed by the four year school run struggle that impacted us all so negatively. I am angry with myself for not learning to drive yet.

I am seething over the bully who lives on our street who tormented my eldest whilst simultaneously pretending to be his friend and greatly ruined eldests enjoyment of playing outside on the green ideal for outdoor play, if it were not for said bully. Who massively hindered eldests ability to settle in to a new area. I am angry with myself for not choosing another place to live

I am outraged by youngests former nursery multiple attempts to cover up her unhappiness there, rather than admitting there was a problem and helping her thrive. I am angry with myself for allowing myself to be swayed by their reassurances, even though I wasn’t 100% convinced, and subjecting her to days and days of misery.

I am angry that I allowed my instincts to be clouded

I am pissed off  with the world. The corruption, the cruelty, the stupidity, the pettiness. The injustice. The violence. The selfishness. The spite. The hate. The hypocrisy.  The senselessness. I am angry that I can’t protect myself or my children from exposure to these things

Writing this blog has helped me to identify five major emotions that seem most prevailent in my depression

They are:

  • Frustration
  • Resentment
  • Anger
  • Humiliation/Shame
  • Guilt

They are the reaccuring themes throughout.

Its time to abolish the misconception that depression = sadness because it’s not the case at all.

I am depressed and I am many things, some of which I still can’t identify. But Sad is not one of them. I am depressed and I am frustrated, resentful and racked with guilt. But above all I am depressed and I am angry!

 

Much Love

Kirsty