I Wanna Dance With Somebody

๐ŸŽถ๐ŸŽถ…..I wanna feel the HEEEEEEAT…๐ŸŽถ๐ŸŽถ

…The heat of the venue with crappy air conditioning

The heat of too many bodies in one room

The heat your heart pounding and your blood pumping in your veins

The heat of the thrill and exhilaration

The heat of the soles of your feet burning after hours of it

I wanna feel all of that again soon

I wanna do ALL of the Things too!!!!

January 2020 is nearly here and thus marks four years since my big return to the world of dance post second child

Except my “big return” has had a number of fits and starts over the last four years.

A combination of struggles such as depression, energy levels, body image issues, mood fluctuations, fatigue, social withdrawal, parental responsibilities (but only to a small point tbf) social anxiety and plain old beaten and battered confidence in my actual ability has gotten in the way of my dance re-development, and at the four year anniversary of The Return of Kirsty I am disappointed, frustrated and annoyed with myself

There are very very few things of substance -to my mind-that I have ever been considered very good at. Dancing was one of those things and I am to this day FURIOUS at the loss of it. Especially because of how good it made me feel. I swear to you all, I could FLY! I am raging even more that after 4 years, I haven’t regained my old spark

I have concluded that dance is approximately 60% physical ability and 40% self confidence. I have been told repeatedly down the last few years that my actual dancing is completely fine -that I haven’t lost a thing except my confidence. That it’s all entirely in my head and if I could just break through that mental block….

Well, I ask you how?

Of course the other issue is that whilst I was away the dance evolved. New styles have been introduced and somehow everyone seems to know them now even though they’re not really taught as standard. And most of the lessons that do teach it are specialist, designed for those who have had previous experience in that style OR are on the other far side of the city.

That is also annoying

Oh and they no longer teach certain things such as dips and drops – things I used to be able to do as easily as breathing but have properly forgotten how to since having youngest – in a standard class anymore. Sure there are workshops, but my one attempt at a drops one was a disaster because depression. Besides, a workshop isn’t the type of learning I need. I need the repetition and muscle memory formed of regular and frequent classes

But alas!

Everybody’s friend, ‘Elf and Safety, seems to have gotten in the way of that and has royally drop-blocked me

Oh dear…

This post had turned into a big Moan with a capital M. I am sorry. I hadn’t intended it to be this way

Tomorrow is a big dance event at the 02 in London. I will not be in attendance, through my own choice.

The last time I properly danced was at this same event last year (in which case can the last year be counted at all? Has it been four, or more like three?). I didn’t really enjoy it for reasons inexplicable. I was there with a bunch of friends whose company I love. Some of my favourite people where with me that night yet I just wasn’t feeling the vibe. And when you’re not feeling the vibe very little else is likely to work for you.

I left early

I suspect it’s the creeping up of January – a new year, a new decade -that has prompted these complaints from me tonight

I am not one for New Years Resolutions

I never could stand the concept

But post-Christmas this year, desire and ambition seems to be ticking me. Just enough to annoy me and make me itch

I want to develop

I want to progress

I’m experiencing a “I want to do EVERYTHING and I want to do it NOW” episode.

You might expect that these phases might result in some uber levels of productivity achievement and transformation, but no. What happens in times such as these -times whereby there are so very many things to choose to do- is that I fail to pick any one thing as a starting point, become overwhelmed and don’t actually DO any of the things. Or not in a sustainable, constructive way anyway

What I really really want is some proper intense dance training, Strictly style (LAWD how I loathe that show!๐Ÿคข). I feel like I need a concentrated spurt of direct focus to put me back on the correct path again

Not to mention, to repair my post birth abdomen muscles

A quick Google tells me there are many dance training courses to pick from…

The problem is I want to do them all and I want to do them NOW!!!

Much Love

Kirsty