Ironic

Internally, Metaphorically, I’ve been wading through black sticky waist deep tar the last two weeks. At least, that’s how I just described it to S

I came to bed at 8:30pm, when I realised how drained I felt, how much the regular  noises of domesticity was grating on me. When I realised how badly I wanted to escape. To breathe.

I want to be alone.

I feel so lonely.

I read for half an hour, idly flick through my phone. I realise how terribly tired I am. S comes up with youngest, sees my face

Why don’t you sleep?”

I nod. Youngest bounces around the room asking questions about everything and nothing. I burrow under the duvet, just my eyes and top of head showing.  A hand poking out the side.

I want to be alone

I feel so lonely

Youngest leaves. Big light goes off. S starts talking to me about sleep. My eyes plead for something, I don’t even know what. Tears fill them. A whispered, desperate

It’s not just about sleep though”

From me. The tears spill over. I feel cold despair pressing down on me so heavily, pressing me into the mattress. This is the pinnacle, I realise. It has been building up to this for two weeks.   S take my hand, I barely feel it.

I’ve been really struggling the last couple of weeks”

He starts “Ok, so just slow down if you feel overwhelmed….”

”I have. I’m not doing anything. I don’t feel overwhelmed this time. I feel….”

I don’t know how to articulate how I feel.

I just want to be held tightly.

Lonely.

I’ve been struggling…Im spending my days just sitting ….I wait…I don’t know what to do with myself….I feel so lonely…I’m just always waiting….I feel cold all the time… this weather…I’m drained…. no energy…..I just sit…I’m not looking after myself….my hair is disgusting, my skin…I Havnt been out, I Havnt danced in a fortnight….I can’t bring myself to…I feel so disgusting and  blergh….I feel so so lonely…. I have no energy…..I’m so tired …..I can’t stand noise….my legs have been hurting, burning. I don’t know why they do that….the mornings are almost painful…I’m struggling…I’m just sitting all day…..wasting the days, wasting myself ……my limbs, my body feels so heavy and I feel so disgusting….I need spring to start…I’ve been struggling so much….it’s like wading through a thick sticky tar” 

I drag the words out from myself in stops and starts as the tears fall. I so want to give him an accurate account so he might understand. I feel so alone. I need someone to understand it!!!! Please, just get it!!!

S’s advice

So stop trying to fight through this tar. Stop trying to get there faster”

Ive not got much to say to that. I’m not tying to get anywhere particularly fast. If I stopped trying anything I probably wouldn’t leave my bed And go from just sitting all day to simply sleeping

He leaves me to sleep. And I take the opportunity to write this post because depression is hard enough to describe at the best of times and I find I do it most accurately as I’m living it.  That’s  some silver lining; each crash or depressive episode is now an opportunity.

As the song goes…

Isnt it ironic? Don’t you think?

 

Much Love 

Kirsty 

 

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