The Sun and The Clouds

Ok so it’s not REALLY summer technically yet…but the temperature outside says  says otherwise!

Granted, I have inevitably spent many a beautiful day cooped inside crippled by an aversion to facing the outside world, even just my back garden. But-generally- I absaloutley adore my garden in the summer!

There is much to be said about going outside and spending time in nature, or as much nature as you can snatch in the city

Its so soothing. It can feel amazing

Ive always been quite sensual, in that I love things that stimulate the senses (Not like that. Like many with depression that’s been pretty much flatlined for some time)  I love things that smell good, look good (colours!!!), sound good…Anyhing that makes me feel good

And although I’m by no means what you’d  call an “outdoorsy” person -in that you won’t catch me hiking up a mountain or going for bracing walks in the rain- I have always since as long a can remember relished being in gardens, woods, fields, forests….

When visiting more rural parts of the country such as the place I was born, I look out the windows of the train at the passing scenery and I have a powerful urge to delve into the sea of green and get lost forever

Its just fantastical

But, I digress…!

When we moved here the lawn was a large rectangle of dirt with a few grass seeds. We turfed it over with great results. Our lawn is lush and soft and green and it feels amazing to be on in the warm sunny weather. I love to be bare foot on it. I love to lie down on it and breathe in its fresh earthy smell.

I chose as many fragrant plants as possible when we moved. The orange blossom smells amazing and the white blossom itself contrasts beautifully against the rich evergreen leaves. When the roses come they’ll smell divine. They’re not here yet but I can see the plant getting ready with new branches and buds. I love their velvety petals.

Delighted to find Forget Me Nots growing for the first time. I think I planted seeds a long time ago but they didn’t take initially. Perhaps these are different seeds blown in from elsewhere but who cares? There are Forget Me Nots! Tiny, delicate, cute! and get such a pleasure seeing their particular shades of blue and yellow against each other. They’re tiny dots of perfection.

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I’m always astounded how the tulips push through year after year, even when surrounded by weeds that seek to smother them.

Even the lavender has taken after years and years of various bushes failing to thrive and being replaced. Lavender! So fragrant!!! Crush it together with the orange blossom. Divine!

Sometimes at this time of year I just lie there and take it all in. All the scents and feelings and sights….green leaves against blue skies. Even the reddish brown of the fence delights next to all the green and spots of colour. Sometimes I feel if I focus too intently on it all I’ll overload and explode and I have to distract myself

I love it

Theres much to be said about the benefits of warm Sunshine too. It’s almost deceptive, the way it can diminish the most serious and pressing of issues or the darkest of thoughts and lowest of moods

The last few days have been completely lovely

They’ve felt like a treat and have done wonders for my spirit

And yet, within the last hour the inevitable…

I think I’m tired

In fact I know I’m tired -of course- but I wonder if that’s responsible for the sudden drop, the irritation, the frustration, the general unhappiness, the inexplicable feeling of depression that often feels like both a numbness and yet ALL of the Feelings all at once

There was no discernible trigger, which is why I’m supposing it might be tiredness setting it off

Tiredness! Hell, I didn’t run the marathon. Spent most of the day on my backside quite frankly. Much socialising mind you, which was genuinely great and highly enjoyable but also knackering a bit. Socialising just is, and it doesn’t mater how I feel about the person. It’s not a reflection on how much I like the person or persons I’m socilising with

But I guess the effort of all the little subconscious behavioural adjustments we all do, the being mindful of those around even just a little, the interaction ect…I guess it just exhausts a depressive mind in particular more than a *relatively* healthy one

Maybe…

So I read. So I’m told. So I experience

Its why I didn’t want to see people last week. As I said to S, “I don’t want to have to be conscious of other people”

After an iffy start to last week, I’ve had a wonderful few days. Feeling  highly appreciative of the area I live, breathing in my surroundings, even enjoying the morning walk to school with youngest. I’ve danced, and drank a little and spent time with friends and people I both admire and adore. I’ve been excited about upcoming events, about small achievements, about new prospects and endeavours, about my progression in my mental health, about the increasingly evident development in my own personal growth

Ive been loving the sun

But it just goes to show that despite all this depression can still reach you

And it doesn’t need a trigger

But it’s ok, it will pass. I know that. I’ve known that for a long time

The depressive moments and episodes always pass.

Just like the sun and the clouds do

Much Love 

Kirsty