My Depression, Not Yours

First and foremost I want it to be clear that in my writing about what it is like for me to live with depression, I am not speaking for all who suffer with it. Depression is a thing that is very much unique to the individual. It has a vast range of symptoms that can manifest themselves in a variety of different ways and I have yet to encounter any two people who suffer with it in exactly the same way; with the same experiences, thoughts, feeling and responses.  I myself experience depression differently now to how I experienced it when it was first began to manifest itself back in 2008/‘09. Depression is not static. Here, I am writing purely about my depression and nobody elses, for how can I possibly comment on how another person is feeling? Or not feeling, as the case may be.

(On that note, never allow anybody to tell you how you are feeling, why you are feeling or what you should/shouldn’t be feeling. I’ve had people close to me, rather than actually listening to what I’m telling them, tell me “NO, I think you’re  wrong. You feel (insert painful emotion here) because of (insert completely inaccurate something that trivialises your feelings here) and not (what your were trying to tell them)”. Often followed by an “Thats my opinion…” Sorry, I thought this was my Depression, not yours? But anyway my point is this…)

With depression, one person might find simple household tasks incredibly overwhelming and draining (me) whereas another might take comfort in such things and use such tasks as a way of managing their depression (the comfort of routine, keeping things in order). One person may feel suicidal, yet another may not (me).

In this post  I have created a list of the depressive symptoms I myself suffer from or have suffered from. Some I expect will find we have many in common, others perhaps not so much…..

My Depression

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  • Irritability
  • Low patience
  • Fatigue
  • Insomnia
  • Low physical energy
  • Low mental energy
  • Low capacity to handle everyday trials
  • Cripplingly low self esteem
  • Mild social anxiety
  • Appearing flakey-making commitments and not seeing them through
  • Guilt Guilt and more Guilt
  • Over thinking social interactions
  • Not answering the phone
  • Not answering the door
  • Easily overwhelmed
  • Feelings of not being entirely present
  • sleep drunk-waking confused and disorientated and not knowing where you are
  • Social withdrawal
  • withdrawal from loved ones
  • low resilience
  • poor self image perception
  • poor body image perception
  • not caring about anything
  • caring too much about everything
  • Avid aversion to crowds or anything potentially stress inducing
  • The concept of completing every day tasks as daunting as climbing Mount Everest
  • inexplicable attacks of chills and shivers
  • Neglecting oneself
  • Lonliness
  • low tolerance for minor inconveniences
  • feeling unexpectedly tearful
  • Letting things drop to the floor and stay there because the effort of picking them up is too much
  • leaving the house feels unbearable
  • Getting out of bed feels unbearable
  • people feel unbearable
  • especially new people
  • The world feels unbearable
  • Feelings of inadequacy
  • Inability to feel enjoyment of activities once enjoyed
  • Yes, that includes a loss of sex drive
  • Feelings of emptiness/ feeling numb
  • Overwhelming feelings of despair, anger, frustration, hurt
  • Procrastination
  • Many many not quite healthy Coping mechanisms
  • Inexplicable aches and pains in the body. Most commonly a burning ache in my legs and arms or sore eyes
  • The sensation of your body being too heavy to move
  • “Up” phases whereby you feel completely fine and function well and wonder what was ever wrong with you
  • “Down” phases. Or “crashes” as I call them. When you don’t function at all and literally everything’s a struggle
  • in between phases where you function just about and feel “meh, so-so”
  • Self doubt. Am I making it up? Others have it worse. I’m just attention seeking etc etc
  • Feelings of helplessness
  • feelings of being completely drained
  • difficulty focusing on something
  • Foggy/hazy brain that often causes…
  • Forgetfulness, including
  • the misuse of words (which I find particularly annoying)

Not to mention the array of sensations that accompany depression that are incredibly  difficult to verbalise. I expect that as I continue to blog that I’ll find more and more to add to this list

Much Love

Kirsty

1 Comment

  1. Blaming Vs Explaining – What Kirsty Did on 12 February 2018 at 9:30 am

    […] Depression impacts a great many areas of a persons life. You can find a list of the symptoms I personally experience or have experienced in one of my earliest posts, My Depression, Not Yours  […]