New Years Memories
There are two New Years Eves in my past that ended in my being greatly distressed. They are part of the events that led to the manifestation of my depression. I don’t want to go into details at the moment largely for fear of judgment ( I’m trying to be candid here in my posts but it’s not always easy)
The first year it happened it was shocking unexpected and deeply deeply hurtful. The following year I grew nervous as New Year approached but by December 31st had come to trust that there would not be a second time. I was wrong. And because I’d come to completely trust there’d be no second occasion it was so much worse. I felt a part of myself break.
The repercussions of this are that each and every New Years since, nearly ten of them now, I have not felt entirely at ease. The extent of this varies from year to year. Although I by and large feel fine in myself I am highly sensitive to certain triggers. I twitch if I hear a mobile go off. A single wrong word and my mind could spiral out of control into panic and paranoia.
I take what lengths I can to avoid such triggers now. But many of them are based within the home. I do my very best to keep my mind still as midnight nears on December 31st and on New Years Day.
Have been doing pretty good this year. I feel ok as I said though there were a couple of moments this morning where it came quite close
I think as if next year I will begin to consider spending New Years Day at least outside of the home. It never occurred to me to do so before as it was always a bit of an ‘indoors’ day when I was growing up. But I think that might be the best thing for me. Can’t be triggered if triggers not present, right?
New Years can be difficult for many people, especially those with mental health issues. Whatever your struggle I wish you peace, comfort and good health this 2018