Oh, Fuck Off Fatigue!!!
The cycle goes a little something like this…
- Wake up in the morning at an early/reasonable hour (6,7,8).
- Am fine for a couple of hours
- Start to flag
- Eat or drink something
- Am fine for a couple of hours
- Start to flag some more
- Eat or drink something -fine for a shorter time period
- Flagging becomes battle of wills against fatigue
- Legs starts to burn and ache and feel like my life force is draining out of them
- End up in bed at stupid-early’o’clock like a child (Christmas and NYE aside)
- Sit in bed with legs on fire, refusing to sleep and feeling resentful and depressed about myself being such a crappy tired person
- Have a night of dodgy dreaming
- Wake up at an early/ reasonable and feel fine
I’m so very tired of being tired!!!
Why won’t fatigue fuck off and leave me alone?!?!?And why do my legs ache and burn all the damn time?!?!? Sometimes they’ll burn and I don’t feel sleepy at all. All the fatigue is just in them. Just…why??
Fatigue and hot searing aches in my legs was first and most prevalent somatic symptom when my depression developed, but whilst my depression has predominantly healed – aside from occasional, relatively short episodes and relatively mild episodes- my legs don’t seem to have gotten the memo. These days, they flare up without psychological or emotional triggers and occasionally without my having to even feel tired initially
And I can’t even chalk it up to over exertion because all the spiritual entities know I can’t rightfully claim to have “over exerted” myself since the race last June. I haven’t even danced
On New Years Eve we had guests over. It was lovely and I was completely fine in terms of tiredness and disposition. Conscious of how my energy levels had been, we said from the start we’d have and early beginning and an early end. When our guests left at 10:30pm, it was perfect as far as I was concerned. I’d just started yawning and the kids needed a come down or else they risked combustion.
We bid our farewells and Happy New Years to everyone and then we had some downtime before snuggling up in pyjamas to watch the midnight fireworks.
Within minutes of my stretching out on the sofa, the burning took hold of my legs with a vengeance
I was only a little bit tired. This was a hugely disproportionate and unjustified response! Especially as I’d spent most of the party sitting and socialising and only taking the occasional few steps to check on people or fetch something (discounting the few minutes pre-guest arrival of Dicking about to Madness because when Madness comes on the radio you DO NOT STAY STILL!!)
Yesterday- New Years Day – I woke up at something close to 10am. As per The Cycle, was perfectly fine for the first couple of hours but by lunchtime was feeling very tired – which WOULD make sense given the day but Id had 9 hours sleep! I wasn’t even hungover!
By the early evening I was exhausted and my ouchy-hot legs had flared up BIG TIME. I was in bed at something like 8pm, having spent an hour or more on the sofa doing nothing other than being ouchy and wiped
Today I am up bright and early, before anyone else and I’m alternating writing this blog post with reading my new copy of the Discworld novel, Soul Music (which, it turns out, I have read before but had forgotten I had 😂🙈) . My legs are faintly sore and stiff, an echo of the night before which is par the course after a particularly intense bout of burning. But I’m not tired, so lets see whether The Cycle continues today shall we?
Fatigue and leg pain like mine always felt like a very minor thing to trouble a doctor with but at this stage I just keep thinking that at 33 (and then some because it’s been troubling me for years) this just isn’t normal . And I’m worried as to what state I’ll be in by my 60s if this is what it’s like in my 30s, so I think actually I will give the GP a call this month although I am all but faithless as to whether they’ll figure it out for me
There’s a chance of course that is is just psychological, like my ear pain was a couple years ago. But that went as soon as a professional confirmed via testing what I’d already knew so I don’t know, maybe this physical gripe is also in need of simple validation before it can leave me alone??
Maybe it’s like ghosts and unfinished business…?
Who the Eff knows because I sure as Hell don’t anymore!