All Revved Up with No Place To Go
When I was a teen I felt frustratingly restricted by personal circumstance. I sensed that I was harbouring a heap of untapped potential somewhere below the surface. In what, I couldn’t say. How to tap into it? I couldn’t say that either. Lack of direction, support and opportunity meant I never found out. I spent much of that time feeling like Id burst if I didn’t find an outlet. There were things that I was drawn to – massively- so. But I lacked drive too. Similar to my comment in my previous post about fandoms, I never entered into anything obsessivley. I was never tenacious in that way. Non the less I always felt I could be doing so much more. I never did. I grew into adulthood, my circumstances changed and I became a mother and I found a kind of outlet in social dancing, Occasionally, that frustrated feeling that I wasn’t meeting my full potential in anything at all would come back to pester me, but life was happening and I had other things on my mind
(incidentally, read Mark Mansons Screw Finding Your Passion. Its a joy!)
And then came depression and that took up the majority of my mental space; dealing with that and the circumstances around it
I’m much better these days, but today Im struggling
Ive eaten like genuine crap consistently the last few weeks. I had been attempting a kind of “nutrition in depression” experiment under the guidance of my Nutrition Expert Friend (NEF here on out). Whilst, in all honesty, I can’t say I noticed a massive immediate difference if I indulged in a cake or whatever during the weeks I made efforts to adhere to a 80/20% more meditaranian approach to my diet I can tell you today that I strongly suspect that the build up of eating like shite the last few weeks is contributing to how I fell today. Crap. Although I was initially knocked off course with this by a nasty delibitating bout of random nausea that lasted the better part of a week, the fact that I’ve not managed to get back on track is mostly due to lack of organisation (yeah ok, maybe discipline too…)
Lack of organisation is my downfall in most areas of life
For example it is now the summer holidays, and in much the same way the weekends are sometimes the worst the holidays are sometimes the worst too because they require organisation, planning motivation and energy and new and ingenious ways to keep the children occupied. But it needs to be the correct kind of occupied, so you are not only perceived as being a Good Mother but can kid yourself into feeling like one too. As with the weekends, with holidays come intense Mum Guilt. But the weekends are only two days at least, the summer holidays are.. what, 42? We have spent the first two official days of the summer holidays mostly at home. How do I feel about that? Like fucking shit. Like the worst mother on the planet. Like a disgusting, apathetic, slovenly useless lump. And if I ever begin to be at peace with that then in comes Instagram and Facebook to tell me how crap I am being. Even if Im not looking at it, I now have the memories of years of old posts to remind me of how others spend the summer holidays with their own perfect little darlings who enjoy every minute of Cornwall or the Maldives or the day trip to the local Manor House for an over booked and over priced crafty/outdoors activity because their darlings would never dream of whining or screaching or resisting anything that involves putting on fecking clothes and does not involve a screen. Supposedly anyway…
Its hard to get the day going when you haven’t planned what you’re going to do in advance. I suppose I should make an itinerary, but after nearly 13 years of parenting and thinking of child centric activities not only am I running on empty in terms of ideas I am fecking bored of it!! I’m bored of parks and splash pads and swimming pools. Im bored of the cinema, and I refuse to go to childrens matinees anymore because of how incensed I become over the shitty attitudes and lack of consideration of the parents who accompany the small children who also attend. Play dates are nice but also require socialising on my part and sometimes I just don’t want to. With anyone. Besides, have you tried to find play dates that sit both a 5 year old and a 13 year old? The city and big attractions are stressful and crowded. And no I have not booked them into a camp because whilst it would ease one type of guilt, it would induce another type whereby I feel guilty for not spending time with them. Also, it will mean well have to be up with the clock and not having to set the alarm is a massive benefit to the holidays, one I’m not prepared to sacrifice.
We have the familial car now, and it would be great to hop in and just drive somewhere and do something new but alas! Only S can currently drive it as I still have not had so much as a single lesson. so car trips are limited to the weekends only. Its driving me nutty, seeing it there but nit being able to use it. I can thank both depression and lack of organisation there.
To further my general feeling of crappines today my nails are bitten to buggery. I work hard to grow them out but I’m often thwarted again by my shite organisation skills; leaving it too long between manis (because I can’t leave them alone if they’re uncovered) My roots have needed topping up for the last month and the blonde is getting yellowish tones. I appreciate that these are first world problems to have that come with a certain degree of privilege (like so many things) but it contributes. Hence, why I created the Look Good Feel Good page on this site. Whilst by no means a solution in itself, I find my mood improves when things like my personal maintenance is in order. I think most peoples do
I’m spending much of my time these last two days just sitting on my arse not doing very much at all. Which would be fine – sort of – if thats what I wanted. But I can’t even claim that. Ive had so many gloriously sunny bright days that I’ve spent on the couch because I needed to because Depression, these days I actively don’t want to spend anymore days like that. But I just don’t know what to do or where to begin. I attempted to put together a bloody flat pack unit from Ikea in a vain attempt of achieving at least something significant today but even that it seems is beyond my capabilities
So many days wasted. So much of my life wasted.
That old feeling of not reaching my full potential has come back to increasingly gnaw at me of late. Its not even that I haven’t reached any kind of creative potential, or career potential but not even as a mother or spouse or even as a fucking person.
I am crap. Or so it feels.
I’m nearly 32
How much more of my life will be spent in this way?