So it snowed. It’s the first time we’ve had a proper snowfall here in about 5 years. It was my daughters first real snow; or rather the first she’d remember so it was lovely. My eldest was cheered as it’s the first time it snowed since we moved house and I’m pretty certain he, having the mind of a child, illogically blames this on our new area.
I really really needed this snow. I didn’t realise how much until my son woke us up to cries of “oh my god it’s snowing!!!!”. I looked out the window and was instantly uplifted. It looked peaceful and beautiful. It was soothing. I actually felt a faint sense of relief.
I had in fact made plans for that day, but they had to put aside due to transport problems because of the weather. I found I didn’t mind too much as I had increasingly begun to feel that I needed to stay at home, and take this opportunity to reconnect.
Most importantly though this snow fall gave me hope. This snow came after 5 years of nothing; 5 years of my son asking, 3 of both my children asking, if it will snow and us all being a little disappointed each winter when it didn’t After a week in which I was sinking further and further into a deep pit of feeling trapped and despairing it served as a reminder of the very greatest kind that things can change even after long long time.
Having felt increasingly disconnected from the season, from my children, from my life even, the snow has put me back in touch a little bit.
The day still wasn’t perfect; I still wasn’t perfect. I still felt overwhelmed as there’s still lots of decorations still needing to go up (I got upset because for years I had set places for each decoration and found I couldn’t remember where they went. Sign of how low my mental health had sunk that week). The house was in total disarray ( as much as I am useless at keeping a tidy and aesthetically pleasing house I need pleasant semi organised environments in order to stand a chance of thriving emotionally. In chaos and mess I deteriorate quite swiftly) And by nighttime I felt a crushing loneliness that caused me to retreat to the sofa under a dressing gown for a little while.
The snow was by no means a cure, and it didn’t make everything alright but it did give me a respite that I desperately needed. Hope and promise and joy
Today the snow is falling but there is also sleet and the streets are slushy and wet. It probably won’t stick. But I’m watching the snow as it falls past my window and my brain feels unusually calm for a change
Things do change. There is hope