Space, The Final Frontier
Yesterday, my whirling brain and feelings of being disconnected reached new heights. By the late evening it had become rather frightening, though it has eased significantly now it’s morning.
By evening, I came to the conclusion that some personal space might prove highly beneficial for my mental health in general and in discerning some clarity on what is what.
Aside from obvious things like, the sky is blue, the grass is green, prosecco is magic and Toffee Nut Lattés are yum I’m not sure about anything. I can’t for example be sure if S loves me. A creeping suspicion whispers to me that he’s in it for the children (and cat) rather than for love of me, his love of them is very much evident in everything he does. That much I can still rely on. Any reassurances offered as to this are futile therefore I am not seeking them and would actively ask at this stage that nobody offers them. They are likely to confuse me further. If reassurances come from S, they’re biased and unreliable. He’s hardly likely to admit it. From friends, whilst well meant, it’s again unreliable. They don’t the have insight that only comes from being actually within a situation. How can they possibly?
This is just one example of things I Do not feel certain of at the moment.
So I reached the conclusion that some extended personal space is needed. I realised that unlike most adults I have never had real space just for me, having had either a relationship and/or child to consider throughout my entire adult life.
I need to take a step back from the painting, in order to see the whole picture. At the moment I’m standing too close
This could of course be an evolution of the desire to disappear I spoke of last week and maybe it fuels this but they feel like separate things.
I figured about a month would be good; I need longer than a weekend or even a week. Indeed the idea of a two day weekend for self reflection caused me to snort in derision. Please.
Of course the timing of this epiphany sucks ass. Christmas is fast approaching, S has major project deadline out of he entire year it’s the worst possible time. And even if it wasn’t; to leave the children for a month is borderline inconceivable. So chances are this will all come to nought
Its all well and good having epiphany’s but what’s the point if they cant be seen through?
So back to the drawing board, I’ll have to find clarity another way