On Fuck Giving
It is a skill I’ve yet to master.
I have always, even before depression, either given too many fucks or non at all with very little balance between the two. The perfect amount of fucks to give remains elusive to me
I don’t know really if my lack of skill in giving a fuck contributes to my depression or if depression hinders my ability to establish the perfect balance of fuck giving. Probably both statements are true. But for sure, depression and its subsequent anxieties affect the way in which my giving a fuck presents itself.
For example, last night I had an overwhelming urge to hide and never emerge again. To never interact with anyone again (a far fetched concept I know!) It was an intense moment of sheer panic. Before I’d even had a second to logically process what had happened my body physically reacted with a flood of panic inducing chemicals. My body had reacted to giving a fuck even before I had realised that I gave it! My face burnt red with heat and for a good 20 minutes I didn’t know what to do with myself.
I did not feel completely over it until hours later
That was the result of something Absolutely minuscule that I really should not have given even the slightest of fucks over. The reaction was completely disproportionate. And yet…
I tend to not give many, if any, fucks at all over some of the big things. I have no fucks to give for the big Opinions of others. My parenting and lifestyles choices, for example, are open to discussion by all means but I will give no fucks at all if someone considers me a terrible parent for the lack of Kumon Maths in my children’s lives.
Having said that I continue to withhold certain details of the story of my depression for fear of judgement and retribution, or the big Opinions of others. So, it looks like I do in fact have some fucks to give for others big Opinions. My ability to not giving a fuck is quite selective. Perhaps Fuck giving is subject to confidence. As long as I am quite sure of myself on the matter, I will give no fucks.
S noted last night that I tend to give far far more fucks when I don’t understand the reasons behind the actions of the other person. And he’s right. Every time I have come to him with a “I know its a tiny petty thing and it shouldn’t bother me and normally it wouldn’t...” it’s been followed up with a fervent “but I don’t get why!! What did I do?!?!?” Followed by far too much time nit picking over everything I said and did in the lead up to whatever it was on that occasion.
Huh… It seems that the not knowing is what drives me crazy yet again.
My hope for the future is that I become far more adept at not giving a fuck. Or rather, establishing the balance between giving and not giving a fuck as and when appropriate and in proportion to the thing at hand.
We all need aspirations…!