The Delicate Balance

Well, it was nice whilst it lasted. Having been on the ‘Up’ since Friday lunchtime one bad morning with a couple of really quite minor incidents has tipped me back over the edge and I fear I am out for the day at least.

Having depression means that, even during good times, I have a very limited  capacity to handle even minor inconveniences, annoyances and unpleasantries. The slightest thing can upset the balance. This morning it has

Having been a little carried away with Christmas shopping last week, my card was declined for coffee this morning. Oops. No worries, just requires a bit of juggling of finances. But cue a creeping hot feeling of humiliation. A throbbing headache appears from nowhere in my temple.

I put on a front; I smile…“I’m so sorry. Just give me ten minutes to go and sort this out please”

Except I cant reach the bank online. I spend 15minutes trying with an ever increasing feeling of frustration,  panic, embarrassment and anger. I need to go to the branch in person. My attempt at saving face in front of people I see every day failed. I’m going to feel terribly embarrassed when I see them again tomorrow. What will they think? Will they say anything?

Finances sorted. Blessed, wonderful coffee (from somewhere else) in my system I start to feel calmer though I’m still shaken. Afterwards, I dash for the bus. For some reason my chip and pin doesn’t work. It’s been temperamental lately *beepbeep* ‘Card Failed to be Read’  I go to try it again

The Driver (why is it always the bloody bus drivers? Developing anxieties about traveling on buses)

“It says Failed to be Read Madam”

”Yes, I know. Let me try it again please”

*beepbeep* ‘Card unuseable’ (ITS NOT!!!!)

The Driver, louder now:

“ITS UNUSABLE MADAM”

(It fucking isn’t!!!)

Panic, hot humiliation, awkwardness, flustered, anger at my Card for being  temperamental, frustration that I’ve still yet to learn to drive and I’m still reliant on asswholes  like this. Upset at this asswhole for being a Dick…..( Why is it so very hard for people to just be nice for Gods sake?!?!?)

I storm off, to avoid further embarrassment. There’s no point in engaging further with people like that. I stand for a few seconds awkwardly  feeling hot, tearful, humiliated and above all anger. I am raging with feelings of injustice not dissimilar from the injustice I felt from the events that triggered my depression. My head is fuzzy. My headache is pounding

I decide to take a cab home, to avoid potentially another awkward scene on the next bus. Besides, I need to get home now!   I need to get away from everyone, everything. I need to get home and stay there. I need to get off the street right now. If I could teleport, I would

In the cab I burst into tears about half way home. The poor cab driver. Hot raging anger coursing through my body. Burning rage and feelings of injustice with no outlet, so it turns inwards and fuels my depression and adds the anger already there from the stuff before.

Home now and still tearful. Chills have taken hold me a little, I’m shivering as I type (the heating is on. I’m wearing jumper) I’m exhausted, resisting the huge urge to go back to bed and sleep and sleep and sleep but I can’t because if I do I might be late for school pick up and I Can’t risk that.

I had promised to do something that needed doing before this morning

“Sorry Baby,  I wasn’t able to do the thing. Again.”

I had hoped to return a dress today.  Cue feelings of failure and inadequacy

At least I can take paracetamol for the headache…

Much Love 

Kirsty