The Evangelicalist

Over on the Much Love social media’s I have, I admit, become a touch evangelical RE narcissism and I would politely ask that my Readers bare with me for the time being.

The first time I really discovered narcissism was a couple of years ago when my then-new friend began bit by bit telling me about her previous relationship. After a time, I started to become faintly uncomfortable somewhere deep inside me. Something was set off, like a wavering. Then, the more I listened the stronger that waver became until eventually, bit by bit,  I began to openly, tentatively acknowledge that although -in my view- the two men were entirely different with different manifestations and exhibits and displays there were distinct parallels and similarities in their tendencies

In short, the blend of cocktail may have been different but the basic ingredients were the same 🍹🍸

The more I looked into it -the more I followed this thread- the more it rang true

Furthermore, as I’ve taken my metaphorical journey down the metaphorical road of my depression here on Much Love a parallel metaphorical road has appeared -a road called Narcissisism- and at some point down the course of the last year the two roads -depression and narcissism-have merged. My depression is directly linked to exposure to S’s narcissistic tendencies

Did I already have a small ‘t’ trauma from my childhood as our counsellor concluded? Yes, I’m inclined to say so. She’s a much wiser person than I and what’s more it feels true

BUT did S aggravate, feed, fuel and blow up my childhood trauma to humongous proportions causing me further trauma and thus trigger a decade of depression in me using covert narcissistic tactics (be it calculated and intentional or not. I don’t for a minute think it was but although conscious intentions matter the facts of the matter remain the same)? Yes, he most definitely did

As with an explorer discovering a new land or anyone discovering a new miracle diet, I have by now become quite excitable over the subject

For years and years I sensed something, was aware of something but could not articulate nor convey it to other people. When I tried, I seemed petty and nuts. Now, every time I recognise something, a tactic or trait or behaviour pattern, I get excited.

ITS NOT JUST ME!!! I’M NOT MAKING IT UP!!! SEE?? ITS A THING!! IT EXISTS!!! AND ITS PRETTY DAMN COMMON!!!

Every time there is some new thing learnt, I internally punch the air and scream “I knew it!!!”

It saddens me too of course, when I first began to recognise this in S and in our relationship I despaired. When I couldn’t deny it nor excuse it any longer…

But I am passed that stage now

Knowledge and names are empowering

Knowledge provides awareness and names provide validation

After years of not having these tools, now I do and I feel, well, empowered.

If a bit stressed

I’ve made the mistake recently of getting far too entangled in somebody else’s narc situation. Hero complex, you see and my boundaries are still pretty wobbly . This narc got under my skin (which they’d of course fucking LOVE) and it is of course far easier to try and take on a narc who has zero emotional or psychological hold over me than my own personal narc.

Good practice though…

From my learnings the last couple of years I have concluded, like the author of The Human Magnet Syndrome, that narcissism exists on a continuum (as with most of not all things to do with the mind). I believe that my narc is lower down the narc continuum than the other narc

My narc is a lot of things, controlling, manipulative, condescending BUT he is not a bully nor a terrorist.

This other narc is much more overt, is an outright bully who terrorises their victim , and that is in part why I found myself so het up about them . That and the wobbly boundaries; I invested far too much of myself trying to save someone else. Hero complex. At thirty -two I had not yet learned as much as I had thought I had, or rather had not developed as much wisdom as I thought I had. It is wisdom, not knowledge, that teaches you when and when not to and how much.

Thankfully for my own well-being at least , I am increasingly detached and distant from that situation now and am working towards N/MC in regards to that narc, who has I noticed begun to turn their narcy tactics onto me

Watch this space for the inevitable smear campaign…

Codependant I might be but I have never been passive. I am a fighty codependent, for better or worse.  And so I have become a touch evangelical on the social media’s, for which I do apologise Reader. It ought to pass soon. I am trying to curb it. I don’t much like myself how its tainting the Much Love tone atm. If it doesn’t pass, I have been considering creating a sister blog to channel all the narcissism and related content into but we’ll see

For now Readers I beg your forgiveness and ask for your patience

And perhaps take a look at these evangelical posts because whilst they might be Firey, they’re not bullshit

They are heart-wrenchingly, tragically, painfully real. Not just for me but for thousands of others, men and women alike

Much Love

Kirsty