The Up Paradox

The problem with up is that you forget, and begin to believe that there was nothing ever wrong with you in the first place.

You begin to wonder why you made such a fuss

You wonder if you imagined the whole thing

You read about other people’s struggles and struggle to relate because-for one thing-every experience is unique to the individual and now you can’t even recall and relate to your own struggles

You begin to doubt that you have any business at all discussing mental health least of all writing about it or volunteering for a campaign

You find it harder than ever to talk about mental health accurately. To articulate what is like because you feel so distant from your Down. Particularly problematic when you’ve made it your mission to write publicly about it

You still continue with old coping habits, such as not overloading your daily plate and deliberately avoiding stress, but you wonder actually if you probably could do more and if you’re just being lazy after all

Whilst you can achieve more with more ease, You’re  still low on motivation and energy. Still tired. Still lacking in real enjoyment of certain activities. But you begin to  wonder now if actually you’re just not applying yourself

You start to think you’re lucky. Privileged. Spoilt…

I continue to be Up. Even my anxieties have eased significantly and I’m not half so panicked about going away this weekend as I was some weeks ago. The last time I went away, the evening before my brain started screaming. “YOU CANT GO!!! YOU CANT GO!!!! YOU JUST CANT!!!”

Not so, this time.

Im calmer, less irritable, more at peace, more objective, filtering less of other people’s crap so that their ick doesn’t stick to me and eat at me so much

Im functioning better, am more productive.  Though physical things like low energy and tiredness stil affect me

So long live the Up. I hope the Up continues on until it goes from Up to “Norm”.

But now I’m living this reality of the Up I’m slowly forgetting the reality of the Down.

And as much as I want to keep on being in the Up reality for the rest of my days, I don’t want to lose the insights garnered from the Down

This is the paradox of Up

Much Love

Kirsty 

 

1 Comment

  1. Rebecca on 7 March 2018 at 10:14 pm

    Oh my god!!!! This is soooooo right I can’t believe it. Even if it’s just for half an hour, that half hour makes all my downs seem ridiculous. This is what stops me accepting my illness and allows me to continue to berate myself and wonder why on earth people put up with me.
    Thank you so much for this! Xx