The Urge to Disappear
The urge to disappear has been increasingly prominent the last two days. To take an extended break. Check into a hotel for a month. To run away. Just to slip out of this life and into another for awhile. Stop the world I want to get off! This evening it fills me to the point of almost spilling over
It’s not something I discuss openly. In fact this would be the first time, but I know it’s fairly common amongst those with depression. Hell, I’m pretty sure it’s common in those without any kind of mental health issues too!
I don’t usually discuss it openly mostly because of the implications. Anybody I dared to confess such an urge to will, I fear, jump to the immediate conclusion that I don’t love my family which is neither fair nor accurate because the two things are completely irrelevant to each other.
…having said that there’s no doubt the guilt and difficulties that come hand in hand with being a parent have aggravated my mental health the last couple of days.
Post school tantrums from the youngest; tearfulness, refusing to listen, demands for toys and sweets to which I’m damned if I do and damned if I don’t because I feel immense guilt either way. If I don’t I’m horrible person because I caused my child unnecessary distress. If I do I’m a terrible terrible mother who fails to implement boundaries and is raising a spoilt brat and is neglecting their health by letting them over indulge on sweets. I feel my heart rate increase each time. I don’t have strength enough to put up too much resistance. I’m embarrassed and self conscious when I’m caught in the shop nearly each day; anxious I’m being seen as an irresponsible soft touch by other parents. Further guilt for spending too much despite S’s reassurances that it’s totally fine. Yet more guilt for the clutter we’re accumulating, bad enough I’m a bit of a hoarder. Spending 40minutes in the morning kindly and patiently explaining why she needs to get up and dressed before finally snapping and shouting. Guilt. We were late. Feelings of failure.
Depression aside, parenting can be tough. Sometimes unbearable. Sometimes (often!) parents need a GODDAMN BREAK!!! Parents still love their children regardless though
Ive felt overwhelmed today. I’ve a very small to do list (not inclusive of daily tasks) and most of it are things beneficial to me yet non the less today I found I felt so overwhelmed by them I froze and simply didn’t.
All in all I suppose it’s not surprising that I’m experiencing an urge to disappear this evening, given the above (and then some. Over sharer that I am I don’t always divulge everything. Perhaps I’ll come to in time. My aim here was to provide an honest account after all. Otherwise, what’s the point?)
Sometimes I long to step out of the world I’m in for awhile but that is not a reflection on how I feel about the people in my world. Rather it’s a reflection on how well I’m coping; the condition of my mental health in that moment. In my case, it will pass eventually. Actually, shrink would be a better word (some days a firefly, some days a bear…remember?). But whilst it’s present it’s oppresive
I understand why it might be a difficult concept to grasp for some (“ what do you mean you’re going to run away?” *troubled expression*)so I generally refrain from opening up about it.
Chills took ahold of me this evening. Despite the heating up fully, my jumper, the mohair blanket and S’s fleece over the top I was shivering until approx 2minutes ago. I mention this simply as a reminder of the fact that depression has physical manifestations too. Chills tend to grab me when I’m feeling fatigued or low on energy. Evidentially, the last couple days have worn me down.
(attached is another excellent account of the urge to runs away when you have depression. It’s far better written than mine)