The Wrong Side Of The Bed
So I’ve woken up today on the wrong side of the bed, as so often happens
I’m very sensitive to sound today. This is happening increasingly often which is interesting as for years and years – if it was present- it wasn’t noticeable. It’s a fairly new thing with me.
It seemed that my noise sensitivity struck up today before I had even begun to wake properly. I was woken by the sound of youngest playing in the hallway near the open bedroom door. She wasn’t being particularly loud or anything but her noise penetrated my consciousness non the less. More than that, as her noise slowly dragged me back (with much resistance) into the waking world I became aware of how uncomfortable my ears were feeling. Not a pain, just a sensitivity. A faint irritation. An itch under the skin. Like a fly buzzing around your head for half an hour straight
I woke feeling groggy, irritated and heavy. Cotton wool and lead combined in my head.
I think I shouted. I can’t recall. I was struggling my way through this haze and my ears felt like they were being assaulted. S came upstairs and I remember talking to him as the fog cleared.
Sensitivity to sound makes me irritable and overly sensitive in other areas too. But after the initial fog had cleared and I had explained to S what the deal was I got up quite optimistically and with decent amounts of energy and motivation. Coffee, relaxing, talking…The morning started off well despite the initial false start.
Except the sensitivity was still there
Youngest has a habit of interrupting conversations loudly and flamboyantly and repeatedly meaning that everything from trivial anecdotes and thoughts to more serious matters require a disproportionate amount of energy to put across. Sometimes I’ll doggedly pursue it and insist I’m heard, other times I decide it’s not worth the level of energy and aggrivation required and give up, usually angrily. Our ‘relaxing’ coffee and conversation was punctuated by youngests demands for attention and my repeated requested for her to stop interrupting, to please lower her volume and wait. Like most small children of course, waiting has never been her strong point.
When you don’t have much energy or motivation, you begin to see them as precious commodities to be preserved. Unfortunately, literally everything in life requires that you use your energy.
As such, an excitable little girl who continuously interrupts every time I open my mouth is draining. As much as I love her. The energy required for this conversation was doubled, tripled…
And my ears and head constantly quietly twinging faintly in response to each and every sound. Even the sound of silence
I had fully intended to spend the day out. The morning was beautiful, crisp, clear and sunshiny. I wanted to be out in it. The weather lately has been dire and has been a contributing factor in my not doing very much more than the essential of late. I’ve been avoiding going out of my way for things and I Havnt really socialised in what must be a month now. I feel like I’m failing
I often feel like we don’t do enough with the children. We do stuff with them all the time but I never feel it’s enough. Not stimulating enough, not educational enough, not creative enough, not active enough, not often enough. I feel like I’m failing.
I had thought to take them to the an art gallery. It’s not something I’ve done with them before, weirdly enough. But by the time it came to actually getting ready my motivation had seeped out of me and I became conflicted. I had begun to overthink:
“It’s late, by the time we’ll get there it will be late. I need to wash my hair if I don’t wash my hair I’ll feel yuck. I can’t go there and feel yuck. I don’t want to go now but I should. I’ll probably like it once I’m there and come back refreshed. But no, noise is making me really irritable Which means if I go out I’ll probably get irritated with everyone and everything I encounter. And then we’ll argue. And it will be a disaster. All that time and effort for what?”
When they put up weak protests over an art gallery I snapped it up in an instant. “Fine. I’m not going to force you”. Feeling guilty AF.
That was the point whereby in my head I decided I wasn’t leaving the house today after all. The others went out locally to the Farmers Market but the fact of the matter is the locals en masse tend to irritate me more than anyone else, specific individuals such as friends aside.
I had a moment where I felt tearful and frustrated and despairing over this. Today is not a one off. Days like today happen all too frequently. My good intentions turn to dust. The delicacy of my ability to function like a normal person, the fragility of my emotional state and the lack of stability in my energy and motivation levels annoys me greatly.
Another of my days wasted, Yay!!
I feel like I’m failing
It’s not ok But I’ve suppressed it. I don’t usually condone the suppressing of our true emotions but if I don’t in this case I’ll sit rotting in pyjamas feeling increasingly gross and unhappy. So I’ll stay in but I’ll have a shower, I’ll write about this day in my blog, I’ll read my books, I might watch something adult-ish on the tv (with the volume low)
Like so many of my days it hasn’t gone the way I wanted but I’m going to try and make the most of it
Even though I feel like I’m failing