This Week is a Good Week…
….but depression is always with me.
I’ve felt much better since Sunday’s snow fall (as written about here). It’s grounded me, I no longer feel detached in the downright scary manner I did last week. I no longer feel as if I can’t trust anything quite so intensely (though I stand by my stance. There’s no such thing as an unbiased opinion, even amongst ‘experts’. Wish I could just know or be told). I have the same doubts, fears, suspicions but they’ve shrunk this week and don’t trouble me.
Im functioning ok but more importantly I feel ok. Mostly. I’m not sinking and feeling trapped and in the midst of utter despair like I was last week. I feel more with it, more human. 1,2,3 *click* you’re back in the room Im not stressing overly over my ‘failings’, though I do feel like I’m failing at Christmas as half our decorations are still lying around the house and havnt arranged half the festive thingies I normally do. Miss the childhood days where Christmas just happened with nothing required from me other than being excited. So much to do and I’m quite tired by it at this stage. Still, I’m glad Im actually feeling apart of it this week. Snow, youngests very first nativity and eldests Christmas party. I finally feel it. Although not as intensely as I would have felt these things before I developed depression, I’m sad to say. Even with the snow last Sunday I didn’t feel the degree of delight and joy I did when my eldest was little I.e before depression really took its grip on me
I’ve achieved quite a bit this week. I returned two coats, baked cookies with youngest, walked out of my way up a hill to buy a wreath, took a shower first thing in the morning (they generally happen during the daytime. Mornings very hard), visited a therapist an hour and a bit journey away…I’m still not as productive as most people though. And after baking cookies I was so fatigued my legs ached.
Yesterday evening, I was drifting to sleep on the sofa about 6:30pm. Was in bed at 8:30pm. Had only intended to relax but slipped into a deep sleep. Sure I’ve been more productive, but its come at a cost. I’m so tired
“You’re in battle mode but you’re in retreat. You’re withdrawing. And with withdrawal comes a withdrawal of energy” – Anon
I did experience what’s known as ‘sleep drunk’ or ‘ sleep confusion’ last night which is a very recent development that first occurred back in September. I’d been away for the weekend at a friends wedding and had unusually little sleep so I put it down to sleep deprivation. Not so apparently. Sleep drunk has been linked to mental health and stress and has nothing to do with how much sleep you have. I put it down to the stress of dealing with an issue at my eldests school for six months and hoped it wouldn’t be a common occurrence. It’s happened three times since then despite the issue being resolved. I couldn’t tell you what triggered last nights. Perhaps it doesn’t need an obvious trigger. I don’t know.
I slipped into a deep sleep very early, ‘woke’ with a jolt of panic confused and disorientated and further panicked because I was alone. I started shouting. Calling for someone, I think. S came. I tried to talk to him. Cling on to his t shirt like it was a life preserver . I couldn’t tell you what I said I’ve no idea. I slipped back into sleep, although I tried to resist it because I was trying to tell him something. Not long later it happened again. Same routine. It’s rather like being under an anaesthetic at the dentist, you have some awareness but you’re confused and don’t know what’s going on.
I feel much more human this week and more grounded. Things are ‘up’. But even when things are up, Depression is always with me. It never goes away entirely. I’m still hiding behind my shades, still low on energy, still not as engaged as I ought to be, still low self esteem, low confidence, still a lot of things. Still have depression!
But overall this week has been a good week and I feel almost lucky for that