Tired Of Being Tired
I wonder… I cannot be the only one who can tell the difference between “normal” “understandable” tired due to expected influences such as late nights or disrupted sleep or very busy days and the deep aching fatigue that depression induces; the kind that inexplicably seeps out from goodness knows where and wraps itself around you?
Despite a few moments which are to be expected still, I am still Up. I know this because in-spite of my blips I feel healthier generally. In fact, for the first time ever I feel I can say- tentatively- that I think I might be healing. Or at least beginning to. A little bit. Slowly. Finally. I feel stronger, lately. A lot stronger.
And the biggest tell-tale sign? I’ve stopped compulsively checking my perpetrators social media; a ritual I’d complete at least once daily for years now in a bid to ensure they were nowhere near where I am, both literally and metaphorically. Digitally. In real life. In any kind of sense you can think of. Quite frankly, the world is not big enough to put enough distance between us but alas! You’ve got to work with what you’re given. So…
Keeping tabs on where they were in their lives (as best one can with social media) helped me to feel emotionally safe in mine. It goes back to being ignorant of what was going on in the beginning. Lack of awareness made me vulnerable and susceptible to shocks and traumatic emotional blows. Awareness protected me from such blows. Knowledge became my armour
It wasn’t a conscious choice. Which is the best thing as far as I’m concerned because it means it’s genuine, I haven’t had to force myself or convince myself. I’ve been true to myself – not suppressing anything- and It’s a natural progression. I just realised one day that I hadn’t done it that day. Hadn’t done it for a couple of days in fact. And Oh! I don’t even feel an urge to! That’s new. Usually, if I’d been busy and hadn’t that day, when I realised I hadn’t I’d feel a panic in case something had happened I’d missed. It was the worst kind of FOMO!
So, although recovery is a slow, non-linear process and I fully expect further blips and downs and struggles I can now say “I am healing” and not feel like I’m lying or making bold statements for Facebook likes
But, there are still things to contend with
Like the tiredness
I am SO tired of being tired, People
And yes obviously I was tired after last weekends dancing exploits what with staying up until 4am, 7:30am etc etc but that tiredness was different. It felt different. It felt normal. It felt how one is all but supposed to feel under such circumstances.
But since then I’ve been fine. Fine that is until about 5pm when fatigue wraps it’s whispy fronds around me. And I crawl into bed by 8pm, get 10 11 sometimes even 12 hours sleep and I wake up fine. Totally fine. Until about 5pm again the next evening.
I don’t know why. I don’t get it
This actually began to occur before my weekend away. And over the weekend I can only assume my brain was being stimulated by other things that kept me this kind of fatigue at bay. New situations, new environments, music, friends…Adrenaline, endorphins, seratonin. All of that good shit!
Sure I had my funny moments over the weekend, especially on the last night when I made a swift and premature exit at about 1pm but I didn’t experience this particulate brand of fatigue that seems almost exclusive to depression. It just feels different
Fatigue and exhaustion I consider to be a most dangerous threat to Ups. Nothing can bring you down faster. It’s so easy to spiral out of control when you’re painfully exhausted. Everything feels overwhelming. Irritability is high. Despair Is most likely to rear its ugly head and convince you that it’s unending. There’s a reason why sleep deprivation is used as a form of torture
I had a moment earlier, but happened to be discussing a trauma related incident with S briefly and that on top of exhaustion and on top of other things like the cranked up loneliness I’ve felt since coming home last week and, I realised today, the fact I’ve been neglecting my basic self care since returning (spending far too much time on phone, not eating properly. Tomorrow begins another week. Will start over) all contributed to a momentary blip of despair
With the tiredness however at least I know that I’ll wake in the morning feeling fine. And I’ll probably get through the day in my usual way, without experiencing any major pitfalls, until the early evening at least. So I cling to that
But the loss of those evenings is starting to frustrate me big time. With my evenings gone there’s no reconnection with people; or non parenting related reconnection. There’s no opportunity for conversation with S, no opportunity to ease the loneliness I experience during the day. Im too exhausted.
I wake. Conduct my parental duties. My days pass lonely, punctuated by occasional coffees with mums (which I fully enjoy and value, incidentally) and appointments And then I crawl into bed, painfully tired because I’ve pushed myself on for three or four hours just to make it to a reasonable bedtime.
I’m glad I’m Up, I’m glad my temperament is fairly stable, Im glad I’m experiencing blips rather than prolonged episodes or crashes. I’m glad I’m healing, finally
But when oh when will I stop being So tired?!?!?!?