This week I have been mostly feeling feelings of detachment. December has begun and the festive season is upon us but I’m just not connected to it. In previous years, I’m usually in the midst of Christmas prep by now and Feeling it inspite of depression. This year I’m going through the motions. I see lights and Tinsel hear music see adverts etc and it isn’t touching me. Our tree went up and I feel removed from all of it (excepting one day last week)
Worse than this I’m feeling detatched from my children. I’m doing all the usual things and talking to them in much the same way and hugging them and kissing their cheeks but it’s as if I’m watching myself from the outside. Sometimes I’ll come back into the room for a second or two and squeeze them extra hard and breathe them in as if it can make up for the fact that the lights are on but mummy isn’t home.
I feel conflicted. Over everything. I’m second guessing every single small decision from what to make for dinner to whether I should say that or something else or nothing at all to whomever I’m talking to. And then I’m triple guessing. And then tenth guessing. Then I’ll make an impulsive decision, but spend hours wondering if I made the right one. Convincing myself I didn’t and that I shouldn’t have. Beating myself up “Why, why did you do/say that?!?!?!? You should never have done that. You made a massive mistake!!!!!”
Struggling to trust. Myself, others and the world around me. Not in terms of deception but figuring out what is fact and what is fiction. The problem with that is that reality is Subjective to the individual
“I’m not crazy my reality is just different from yours”-Cheshire Cat, Alice In Wonderland
Even professionals have their expertise influenced by their own perception. I feel like I’m trying to separate grey paint into black and white
Sat in the coffee shop feeling numb everywhere except my mind, which is buzzing. Is this the case or is it not? What is what? Should I say that? Should I not? Should I do this? What should I do? How am I coming across? How should I act? Someone tell me! Would this be better? Or that? What did that mean? Was that a bad thing? A good? An ok thing? Who is right and who is wrong? Is it this or is it that?