Why Am I Waiting…?
For years and years I have felt like I am waiting. But for what I do not know.
At one point I seemed to spend all my days waiting for S to come home; keeping myself busy with baby groups and play dates to keep me occupied whilst I’m waiting or just flopping about not knowing what to do with myself. Then S would come home but I’d find myself still waiting. I thought then I was waiting for the children to go to bed (what a long wait that is with youngests lifelong resistance to sleep!) to have some time together. Uninterrupted adult conversation perhaps!?!
Then it seemed to me like I was waiting for something to change. Anything. I didn’t know what exactly. Our lifestyles, my mental health, my look, our social life…I was waiting for something big to change but I didn’t know what and I didn’t know what to do to make those changes happen. OR if I did know what to do the task seemed so daunting it didn’t seem achievable. So I paced around like a caged tiger, occasionally growling, feeling like I was waiting my life away.
Then it seemed like I was waiting for all of this at once and then some. Some things I can’t articulate.
I continue to very much feel as if I’m waiting for something but whilst I suspect the above are a small part of it I no longer think that one or the other will magically provide me with the answers nor make this feeling go away. I suspect that, like most things, it’s probably not so straightforward
Sometimes this feeling is so frustrating I could burst. It can be overwhelming and when it is I slip into a pit of procrastination. I’m killing time, you see, I’m waiting for…what exactly? For everything and nothing.