Why The Weekends Are The Worst (Sometimes)

The weather is beautiful, I was up in good spirits, was  productive- ish and I feel……kind of nothing, actually. I suppose you’dcall it numb.

Its quite a peaceful state to be in.

I’m enjoying the beautiful weather…only I’m enjoying it from inside the living room. On the sofa. Lying down peacefully. Not exhausted. Not feeling crippled by negative feeling. Just there.

I don’t want to do anything other than lie here.

All the windows are open, so I  get to feel the warm fresh spring breeze and listen to the outside. I can hear birds and lawnmowers, the road and aeroplanes and the children in the garden and breathe in the faint scent of the grass

I’m content like this. Actually, no. Im more passive. I say this because an absence of negativity doesn’t mean a presence of positivity and contentment is a positive emotion. Warm. Satisfying. Fulfilled.  I don’t really feel any of these so yes, passive is a more accurate word.

Im neautral. I like being on the sofa like this but I’m not really feeling anything

I’m shut down on the inside.

Removed.

Why is this? I’ve no idea

There was what felt like a lot of pressure from S this morning to make plans for the children. I’m particular to invite people over. I was resistant. I just didn’t want to

”I don’t want to be worried about other people all the time, I want a break”

I said, before correcting myself to the far more accurate

“Sorry, ‘worried’ is the wrong word. I don’t want to have to be conscious of other people today. I’d like a break from it”

Sometimes I simply need a break from the presence of others. Being aware of them, and making accommodations. I can never be fully relaxed and fully myself around another person. Non of us are, really. We always – no matter how comfortable we are with a person – make very subtle adjustments to ourselves when in the presence of another. Our words and behaviours. We’re barely conscious we’re doing it, If we’re concious of it at all, and  sometimes I feel I need a break from this

And let’s not forget the other evening, where I felt positively claustrophobic by the stay of just one house guest.

Then came the pressure to go somewhere.

Then the demand to spend time in the garden.

Which I did and was ok there for awhile before deciding I had enough and coming in to the sofa

Thats about the time I realised that was in fact what I really wanted to do. The time I realised how distant I felt from everything. The time I realised that inspite of this I actually felt kind of ok. Fine even.

Except I wasnt

I was shut down on the inside

I had no idea why

But I was feeling peaceful. It probably should have bothered me but nope, it didn’t not really. I struggled to feel anything so acute as ‘bother’

It passed, mostly. I got up after awhile and was happy to do so. Felt less removed and more lively. But it’s difficult to reconnect with others when for most of the day you’ve been disconnected; they themselves don’t really know how to respond. Well, the children do. They’re more responsive in the moment take-you-as-you-are type creatures so the minute I reengage they engage back, eagerly. Well, in my youngests case. Eldest is boardering on teenagehood and is happy to keep to himself and get on with his things by virtue of being an almost-teenager

The truth is Im simply not  thriving at home, as much as the familiarity brings comfort

Weekends are often the worst. There’s a pressure to make the most of them, to do something. Especially when you have children And are being hounded by a spouse eager for us to do something with said children ( I appreciate it’s a ‘good’ problem to have)

An especially in this, the age of social media!

Where you can see everything everyone else did over the weekend and see exactly where you’re failing at parenthood and at life

Spend time with friends, family, take a mini break, do wholesome activities with the kids, take them for a day out, make sure they do their homework, have brunch, Sunday lunch, coffee, cocktails, breakfast in bed, make sure the kids attend their respective drama/dance/football/piano lessons (what do you mean they don’t have any extra curricular weekend activities?!?!?),work on that Pinterest project, party, get wasted, go wild! Do home improvements. DIY. But also relax. Relax in the right way. If you’re not relaxing in an Instagram-able way are you even relaxing???

Don’t get me wrong I’d simply love to achieve all of it. But it requires planning, organising, energy, motivation, decision making….much of what those with depression struggle with.

On the plus side, and this I really do appreciate, for two days I’m not governed by the clock. Hooray!!

Much Love

Kirsty